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I'm good luv, enjoy!
It's been years since I've been in a relationship. I've had times in which I went on a year-long hiatus of dating men. I've also had times when I always had someone hitting my line. During my time being single, I have learned quite a few things that I want to share. This is not an all-inclusive dating guide, but 10 important lessons that I've learned about dating.
Enjoy.
Lesson #1: A significant other does not complete you.
When I was younger I used to think that prince charming would come swoop me up and be my other half. What's detrimental about this statement is that we teach young girls that they are not whole until they have a man. So what does this mean for women that don't want to be married--they just walk around with half of themselves their entire life? Negative. Honey, I am the ENTIRE piece! Through Christ I am whole and do not need a significant other to complete me. My goal is to be so full that I don't rely on someone else to make me happy. Instead, a significant other should add to your happiness--they are NOT the source.
Lesson #2: Treat ya self!
It is important to take yourself on dates when you're single. Don't let the fear of not having a boo to hold your hand keep you from enjoying various activities.There was a time I was ashamed to go to the movies alone. And now I will order a large popcorn and watch multiple movies in a day all by my lonesome. Take the time to get to know yourself and what YOU like. Enjoy the sound of your own laughter--the good laugh that has you near tears. And if pleasuring yourself is what you enjoy...in the words of Hailee Steinfeld, know how to scream your own name!
As a result of being independent, I am not easily amused by a guy wanting to do things for me that I can do for myself. I am all here for a guy wanting to wine and dine me. However, just know you'll have to come correct and it will take a lot more than a meal to impress me. Your presence has to be better than my solitude. Otherwise, I shall remain single.
Lesson #3: You are not his rehabilitation center.
This one is kind of obvious... and yet, here we are. As an empath I found myself in close relations with people who had the emotional IQ of a potato. It's exhausting trying to get men to open up while you wear your heart on your sleeve. For the love of all things good, seek Jesus. Seek a therapist. And then, maybe... seek me. In this order, please.
I am not your mother. I am not your savior. I am not your rehabilitation center. Frederick Douglas once said "it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." There is a limit to how much emotional labor I will put forth in a relationship for someone who is unwilling to seek help to unpack their own trauma. There is a basic level of emotional intelligence that I expect at this point. Honey, I am grown. I can teach you my love language. I can grow with you, as I know that the future man that I marry will not be perfect. However, it's not fair for someone who lacks basic communication skills to expect their partner to do all of the emotional work for them. If you'd like to put in this work, go right ahead. Just know that at this point in my life it can not and will NOT be me.
Lesson #4: You can't change him.
Men are funny. Sometimes, they tell you right up front who they are and we ignore the signs because he's cute and exciting and *insert some other basic characteristic that men shouldn't be applauded for*. Someone on Twitter said "Them red flags be looking like Six Flags when you feelin a mf". And girl, I couldn't agree more. I stuck around a relationship that was not right for me because I secretly hoped that the guy would change into the man I needed him to be. That was not only toxic for myself, but it puts unrealistic expectations on someone else to become this person they were probably never meant to be. I am no psychologist nor sociologist, but I am convinced that by the time most guys are 21, the core of who they are and their personality has been developed. If it's been a year or more in the relationship and he's still not as affectionate as you want him to be, it probably won't happen. Yes, it is possible for people to change. However, know that they have to want to change. There's no amount of loving that you can give that will make someone want to change if they don't want that for themselves. Save yourself the heartbreak and take them at their word--this is who they are. And if a guy tells you that he has commitment issues, believe him. You can not change him. Sis, run!
There's a lot of reasons why a guy won't commit. Just know it's not healthy for you to stick around and try to figure it out. Leave him--you deserve so much more! You deserve someone who knows what they want and is intentional in their pursuit of you. He will not magically change to give you the love you deserve. By the time he decides to change, it will be at the expense of your already invested emotions and time. Sticking around only damages your self-esteem and gives him the message that being non-committal is okay. KNOW YOUR WORTH--THEN ADD TAX!
Lesson #5: Dating multiple people at once is not for everyone.
A friend of mine told me one summer that I should have a roster. Apparently I was "putting all of my eggs into one basket" and should be exploring multiple people at once. Nevertheless, during the summer of 2018 I dated quite a few people...at the same time. I was open and made sure that the guy was aware that we were not exclusive. But until I developed a true emotional connection, I was talking to multiple people. It seemed like every week, I was updating my friends on the latest boy I had gotten dinner with. Even though I didn't think I was getting emotionally attached, I was still expending a lot of energy on guys that not only didn't want a relationship with me, but they were guys I didn't truly see a future with. I found myself mourning relationships that didn't even exist. Tell me, how do you lose something you never had to begin with?
I was EXHAUSTED! After a handful of failed dates and attempts to "convince" emotionally unavailable men that they should be in a relationship, I learned that I had to be more selective in who I gave my time to. It's okay to only date one person at a time. The key is to know yourself and do what is best for you. While I am sure there is a healthier way to have boundaries in place in which you can freely date multiple people at once, it is not for me. I end up feeling like I am entertaining various men instead of developing a meaningful connection with someone. Also, I can't stress this enough: do not date simply because you are lonely. Date when you are ready to invest your time and energy into someone.
Lesson #6: A mixed signal is a signal.
One thing I hate about the "talking stage" (whatever that even means) is my tendency to over analyze certain messages--verbal or non-verbal. If a man truly wants you, you'd know! He will not leave you questioning and guessing about his intentions. A real man that is ready for commitment will put his best foot forward to show you that he wants to be with you. And if he doesn't? Honey, he does not want you.
Looking over my life, God's blessings have not come with confusion. My God is NOT the author of confusion. I am at peace. God's blessings don't leave me tossing and turning at night. Will this relationship I desire be perfect? No. But upon their arrival, I should not feel restless and distraught. I want them to challenge me. However, if it cost me my peace--it's too expensive. And if I have to live outside of God's will to have him, the man is not mine. Read that again.
Lesson #7: Trust your gut.
Women have a gift of knowing when something is clearly not right--trust it. You know when you start to notice that he's distancing himself from you, even though he states he was "busy" or "babe, everything's fine--you trippin"? Nah, sis.
What makes things worst for me is being an empath--you feel and sense things on a deeper level. I can sense something is up or simply know when you're no good for me. There are some instinctual things I just know. The hard part is listening and trusting those instincts.
Past trauma has made it harder for me to trust my gut feelings about people. I often feel the need to validate my "no" too. However, I am still learning that "no" is a complete sentence. I do not need an elaborate reason as to why I no longer want to continue a conversation or go out on another date. I do not owe these men an explanation as to why I am uninterested! Access to me is a privilege that can be revoked at any time. I am not talking about being a complete savage and ghosting every guy, but know when someone's time is up and their presence no longer serves a purpose.
Lesson #8: Your worth is not tied to those that walked out of your life.
Please keep in mind that your worth is not tied to the person that decided to leave you. You are worthy and more than enough. Their inability to see your worth and treat you with the utmost respect that you deserve was never a reflection of you. Trust that God would never remove someone from your life to not replace them with someone better. God will even remove people from your life that you lack the courage to walk away from simply because they can not go where God is taking you. And this is okay. What's ahead of you is so much better than what's behind you.
Lesson #9: Guard your heart!
The difficulty in guarding your heart is finding a balance of allowing yourself to develop feelings and open up, but being cautious enough to have the discernment of who is worth giving your attention to. God never said that you weren't supposed to develop feelings, but to be mindful of who you choose to invest in. I used to think that if I just prayed, then God would send me exactly what I wanted. What I learned was that the enemy will have decoys dressed in everything that you desire. But that's when you have to examine the fruit! Here I was thinking this guy was my knight-n-shining armor, but he was some imbecile wrapped in tin foil.
Lesson #10: Be patient.
Another thing that I can NOT stand is when people ask me why I am single.
First of all, get out of my face.
Second of all, what kind of question is that?
Note: Don't start a conversation with me trying to use this as a compliment because I will just get annoyed.
There's a variety of reasons why someone is single. Whether someone is single by choice or not is none of your concern. Just know that when God has shown out in your life like He has for me, settling is NOT an option.
I am waiting patiently for the person who is worth my time. Ladies, this does not mean stay in your house all day and just expect God to drop this dream man off at your doorstep. God did say that faith without works is dead.
At this point in my life, I know what I want. Although I am not expecting to just marry someone after a few dates, I will be intentional in who I date. There's no point in starting a relationship with someone in which you already know there's an expiration date. If I don't see qualities in you that I believe I could build a long-lasting relationship with, I won't proceed. Yes, I am a work in progress. But I can assure you that I am practicing saying no and not feeling the need to give every guy a chance just for the sake of saying that I did. These men can get right, or get left. And until a man seeks God first before approaching me, know that "I'm good luv, enjoy!"